Getting Older: Life, And How It Ages You

I feel old, audience. I'm not, but I feel it. In fact, I hardly have any room to talk. I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound, I can pull all nighters like nothing else, I love soda and candy and energy drinks and video games. But, despite all of that, I feel old.

I love books, but especially old books, and the smell and feel of them. I'd rather take a walk in the rain or sit and stare at the city off of a cliff than play video games. I wear out the seat of my pants faster than the soles of my shoes. I prefer a nice cup of coffee and a good conversation over a crazy party, or even a mild party. I often catch myself wanting to say, "What is with kids these days? When I was their age..." or "Ugh, stupid teenagers. They have no respect." I like philosophy, classical music (Mozart makes me want to weep on occasion), and jazz. I used to play the cello, and I've always loved acoustic or string instruments. I think society has gone to the dogs and I don't understand music or fads these days. I actually want to build my wardrobe entirely of sweater vests and collared shirts, because I really like how clean cut and snazzy they look. I use the word snazzy or spiffy at all. And I just got my first summons for jury duty.

Now, there are probably a lot of you saying, "Yeah, what? I like a lot of those things too. I still feel young and fresh." But it's not that I like a lot of those things. It's just that when I'm in a modern setting, or I look at society today, I feel like an old book. I feel like I've been around forever, and that I don't belong on the same shelf as all the new books. I feel like I belong in an antique shop or an old bookstore, or on the bookshelf of an avid collector of rare literature. I just feel like I don't quite belong in society. And, still, a lot of you are saying, "Yeah, what? I feel like that too. That's not a unique feeling."


I half expect to see this guy in the mirror every  morning.



Let me make this clear: I'm not talking about nostalgia. I'm talking about the feeling that you get when you look down at the envelope in your hand, read JURY SUMMONS, and realize that you aren't 13 anymore, before your first girlfriend, your first kiss, talent show, junior prom, big break up, R-rated movie in theaters, huge party, graduation, whatever. You have a moment where you feel like you were about to wake up and get ready for ninth grade, but then you realize that almost six years have passed and you don't know where they went. I can remember my thirteenth birthday like it was yesterday. I remember where I was and what I did. But all of the years between then and now feel like a huge blur. It feels like they were ages ago and that I don't know the world that I knew then anymore.

Honestly, I feel like I could relate well to Rip Van Winkle at this point. You just fall asleep one day and then wake up and the world has changed. It has, to quote Stephen King, "moved on," and it just keeps moving. Time just keeps rolling on and on and it's harder and harder to grab onto. I can think of one song that always says exactly what I'm thinking, and that's "Can't Repeat" by The Offspring.

 

I woke the other day
And saw my world has changed
The past is over but tomorrow's wishful thinking
I can't hold on what's been done
I can't grab on what's to come
And I'm just wishing I could stop, but

Chorus:

Life goes on
Come of age
Can't hold on
Turn the page

Time rolls on
Wipe these eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries

Memories are bittersweet
The good times we can't repeat
Those days are gone and we can never get them back
Now we must move ahead

Despite our fear and dread
We're all just wishing we could stop, but

Chorus

With all our joys and fears
Wrapped in forgotten years
The past is laughing as today just slips away
Time tears down what we've made
And sets another stage
And I'm just wishing we could stop

Chorus

I heard that song for the first time somewhere around my thirteenth birthday, and I used to like it because, duh, it's The Offspring, and because a couple of the lyrics sounded pretty cool and kinda deep. Now that I'm older, the song rings truer and truer every time. It's exactly what I'm feeling in audio form.

Everyone has those times when they feel old. It's usually at the kind of point in life where I'm at right now, where there's a huge change about to happen and you realize just how different your life is than what you thought it would be when you were young. I couldn't have guessed that any of what has happened in the last six years was going to happen when I was thirteen. I couldn't even imagine the experiences I would have, the people I would meet, the things I would do, what I would learn, who I would become. I had no idea what a blog was or that I'd be writing one. I hardly knew anything at all, and I can say that comfortably because I don't remember anything about being thirteen that hasn't changed violently at some point or another.

So here I am, at 2am, typing a blog about feeling old, seven days away from my nineteenth birthday, singing "Can't Repeat" along with the video link, and feeling like my life started without my permission long ago and that I was too young to recognize the sound of the starting gun. And now I'm too old to start running without feeling like I'm going to finish last, and my knees are going to give out, and the arthritis in my hips is going to keep me up all night, and why did I sign up for this marathon anyway? Now I have to dig the cane out of the back of the closet and hobble around like i'm seventy or something. Oh, and now look, the audience is out on my lawn again. I thought I'd seen the last of those whippersnappers when I threatened to beat the freckles off of em if they didn't leave my hedges alone. Now I have to call their parents, who are obviously ill fit to be raising children, didn't teach them respect when they were kids, and now look where the world has gone to.

You tell em, Clint.

You see what I mean? Old. Minus the arthritis and yelling at whippersnappers about my hedges, this sounds like my thought train most days. I feel like my soul is old and it doesn't belong in this young body. And, to make it worse, my soul is only going to continue to age as my body does. Because life never stops moving, you never stop aging, and every day you're closer to dying. I've decided that I want to die young so I don't ever have to be a person that can truly say they don't know the world they live in anymore. I don't want my body to break down and have to rely on drugs or medical treatments to keep my body kicking, all the while forgetting more and more and never feeling like I belong in this world anymore. I want to die at a good age, where I've experienced life to the full and I'm ready to settle down and relax. And then I want it to end, before I start to lose that feeling that life has been good and that it's time to step back. I want to die feeling that, and have my death be that retirement.

I'd like to close with another quote from Stephen King, this one about aging, but I can't seem to find it online, and I don't have the book with me right now. I'll have to update this later once I can track it down, because it's about as powerful as the song above for me. But, until then, I need to get back to my comfy chair. I've been hunched over this keyboard for too long and my back is starting to stiffen up. Till next time, dear audience.