Today is a gray day in my brain. There's a little cloud in my head, and it makes me feel vacant and non-emotive and flat. It's not a BAD day. Just a gray one. Nothing particularly bad or good has happened, and there isn't anything on my mind that's bringing me down. I just wake up, and I know, starting then, that it's going to be a gray day. These are the days where I'm just tired of everything and can't summon up the motivation to be anything but a useless lump. The days where I don't want to talk, I don't want to be around people, and I can't get myself to do anything productive, no matter how badly I want to. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel to even get out of bed, and then I still have a whole day left to try and live. These are the days that have nearly killed me, over and over again.
For a while, these were the days where I'd put my latest emo kid soundtrack on repeat, write in my journal, and cut myself with the razor I kept clean and sharp in my wallet. I would go climb up into the hills of Palmer Park in the pouring rain and consider diving off a cliff, just so that I wouldn't be around to waste everyone's valuable time and energy anymore. There was nothing left of me on those days. Those thoughts and feeling weren't my own. They were just the things that came naturally when that mood settled in while I slept. I became this empty vessel, and then my mind would pour into me all the negative thoughts and feelings I carried around in the back of my head day after day. All my doubts and insecurities and everything that brought me down, all piling up and swirling around in one big cocktail of depression.After a year or so, I went for help. My mom took me to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with chemical bipolar disorder. It's an imbalance of the chemical rhythms of your natural biochemistry that causes your body to produce certain brain chemicals erratically, so that they interfere with the psychological happenings of your brain. Basically, there were periods where my body produced all the happy chemicals I could ever want, and then there were periods where it didn't produce enough, and the withdrawal caused a crash. I would feel great for days and days, on top of the world, like a superhero, and then I would suddenly slump and have nothing to go on, no life, no energy. Nothing at all.I had the option to try antidepressants and other medications, and I decided not to. The thing about my cycle is that it isn't all bad, even if it isn't all good. The medications would put a damper on the cycle and cut out those lowest lows, but at the cost of all the highs as well. I would never have the insane lows, but I would never have really great days either. I would just live caught somewhere in the middle, dependent on the medication to keep me there. At my age range, there was also a risk that taking the medications could cause my lows to get even lower, and press those thoughts of suicide until I acted on them. Going off the medication for a period could have the same result. Altogether, I just decided it wasn't for me. That I'd rather try and fight the gray days the best that I could without artificially changing my body chemistry.I tried B-vitamin supplements, which helped. I would be more energetic and lively on even my worst days, but it was only a cushion. I still wrestled with the gray days, and nothing ever made them stop being gray. I quit cutting myself not long after that trip to the doctor, and I haven't picked it up since. I can't say that the thought doesn't still cross my mind, but I no longer carry a razor in my wallet, and I don't even think I own a single blade anymore.
Skip back to today. The first time I can remember having a really gray day was almost eight years ago. That trip to the doctor was close to seven. I've carried on living with chemical bipolar disorder, week in and week out since 2008, and I'm only just starting to figure out this fight. I've tried a lot of stuff, been positive, talked with others, laid all my emotions out and had others carry me through. There have been some really great times, and some really great high streaks. But the lows always come back, and, as of late, it feels like they only get lower and lower. I've felt more dead within my own body the last six months than I have ever felt before in my life.But I realized something the other night. Despite all the gray days, and the bad days, and the really awful days that usually end with rage and tears, there's some part of me deep down that doesn't stop moving. It doesn't comprehend GOOD and BAD days, just days. It doesn't need motivation or rewards or discipline. It's an engine, and it just keep chugging on in complete ignorance of how I might feel. I noticed it after a week or two of some really hard days. I felt totally done and worn out and without a doubt the worst I've ever felt, and then I got up the next day and went to work and went to church and had an 18 hour day, and then I did it again, and again, and again. Good mood, bad mood, gray mood, whatever. I just kept moving.It's not like the moods went away. They were still there, wrapping up my mind and dictating all of my actions. It's just that I noticed this little piece somewhere in the middle of all the swirling emotional chaos that seemed out of place. I could be screaming and raging and crying and throwing things and completely unable to think or feel anything, and this little piece was just there, ticking away, completely apart from my whole mess. It took till last night or so to really put my finger on it.
I've always kind of felt like a robot in social situations. Like, I have this programmed set of behaviors that are all that I know. I can perform this certain set of actions, and everything I do comes from that set of possibilities. All around me are people, going about their daily life and interacting, and I see the things that they're doing, and I try to copy them. But from my limited set of behaviors, I can only manage a crude mockery of what comes naturally to everyone else, and I always feel out of place. Like I just don't quite belong, and everyone sees it and is amused by it, but understands that there's a difference between us that means that we will always be separate in one way or another. I can try to move like a normal person, but I'll never be one.It took me a long time to work out that metaphor, just by the way, but that's exactly how it feels. I've thought for a very long while that it was a bad thing, and I've tried really really hard to learn how to move and think and act like everyone else. I tried for so long to be who it was I thought everyone wanted me to be, and it never worked, and it always hurt. But after my realization the other night about this little dynamo burning away at the core of me, I'm starting to feel like maybe being a robot isn't such a bad thing.Yeah, I still feel like I'm on the outside of most social interactions. I still feel like there's something there that separates me from everyone else, and I still feel like there always will be. But the things about me that make me feel that way are all tied into this little dynamo that has carried me through every single gray day I've ever had, whether I felt bottomed out or not. The parts of me that make me feel so robotic are undoubtedly and irrevocably part of the same system driven by that powerful little engine. That engine that can't stop, won't stop, can't even comprehend the idea that there might be anything to life counter to motion. It just runs, and on my very worst days, it keeps me running.So now, when I wake up in the morning and I realize that today is going to be a gray day, all I have to do is rest on that little engine. I'll get out of bed, get dressed, and go about my day, knowing full well, that engine is somewhere deep inside of me, and that it can't be stopped. On my good days, I'll let it build up momentum and race me off to bigger and better things. On my bad days, I'll let it carry me through at whatever pace it happens to be running that day. I'll still feel gray, and I'll still feel like a robot, but I'll keep going, because there's some part of me built to do just that. To keep going, and nothing else. Nothing can stop it, including me, and I wouldn't dare try, even if I did know how.
I'm far from the only person out there experiencing life this way. Many have done it before me, and many will still be doing it once I'm long dead and gone. So here's what I have to say.It isn't the gray days that will kill you. It's the thoughts that the gray days open you up to. It's not the quiet moments, when you're all alone and no one else is around. It's the moments when you're completely surrounded and you feel like no one else wants you there. Those are the hardest to live through. Those are the days when it's the hardest to see the point in carrying on. And there is one. There's always a point to life. The gray days just keep you from seeing that.So my advice to you is this: Always remember that no matter how hard the day is, it won't kill you unless you choose to let it. The gray days don't hold the knife. The gray days don't tie the noose. The gray days don't pull the trigger. You do.And when all your emotional turmoil is swept aside, you can see that. You can see that they're just days, whether they're good or bad, and that there's so much more in life that matters. You can see that it's just a gray day, and that it's nothing to hurt yourself over. Gray days are temporary, but the scars you choose to make are permanent. Don't let something that will pass, that has no power over you, leave that kind of permanent mark on your life. Because they will pass.They'll come and go like the wind and the clouds and the seasons that change, and you'll still be there, living through all of it. Life is far too valuable and precious to throw away over something as fickle and changing as the weather. And I'm sure that somewhere deep down inside you, there's a little engine ticking away, just like there is in me. Just hold on tight to that powerful little dynamo and let it carry you through the day, and maybe tomorrow, you'll have the strength to carry yourself.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Depression: Let me paint you a picture...
It's kinda like this: I'm standing in a huge warehouse, all concrete and steel. The room is cold, and there's no light save for a small lamp that only burns brightly enough to illuminate a couple yards in each direction. I can walk around the whole interior, running my fingertips over the walls again and again, but I can't find a door. I can hear people outside, going about their daily lives; happy, sad, angry, excited, just interacting and being people. The hollow echoes of their lives ring hollow in the air, and nearly disappear entirely when I stand in the center of the room, surrounded by the inky black and the cold. Sometimes, I'm in here for a few days. Sometimes a few weeks. I know that the sun is out there waiting for me. It's just a matter of time before I find my way out again. But until then, it's cold and dark and quiet and I wish the noise from outside wasn't so hollow, or that I could just see the people outside and have them see me. Some days are better than others, but they all start and end in the same place. I either make it through standing tall, or I lose myself completely in the darkness and just pray for sleep to take me to a day when I can be outside again. It never gets any easier, either. Never has, never will.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
On People and Objects
I'm really furious right now, guys. I just had a long debate with a former classmate of mine who I've known since sixth grade, and it left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth. I don't hate the guy. I just can't understand how it is he can believe what he does and still sleep at night.
American society is sitting at a tipping point right now, and the topic is human rights. The last blog post I made over a year ago was about this very subject, and things have gotten better since then, but they're still far from good. The big topic this year is women's rights, and my predominant focus is the "Yes All Women" thing that has been floating around. It's a hashtag topic that surrounds the idea that all women go through regularly terrifying and stressful experiences out of a taught and, in some cases, learned fear of men. I've been reading feminist articles and blog posts and posts from men defending themselves against Yes All Women with the "Not All Men" tag. This one claims innocence of part of men because not all of us are scumbags who want to rape you or sexually harass you or even intimidate you with our oppressive manliness.
I want to apologize now for not taking stuff like that seriously. I'm not insensitive. I've never been aware of the fact that maybe women don't want to talk to me because they're afraid of what I might do, because in all honesty I'm about as innocent as a seven year old boy when it comes to women. I've kissed all of two girls outside of a dating relationship in my life, and one of the two was someone I ended up dating seriously for two years. I don't think about how I might come across to women because I don't have a sexual intention in my interactions with them. I don't think about how they might perceive my actions or my presence because I have no ill will toward them and never have. It's never a thought that has ever passed through my mind. Because of that, I have fit into a category of men that has been part of the problem all along without realizing it.
We live in a society where women (and men, a parallel but not currently focal concern) are ruthlessly and intentionally sexualized for the point of marketing products. Whether they're selling perfume, soap, deodorant, music, sandwiches, clothes, jewelry, cars, tires, chairs, tables, carpets, etc, you can be pretty darn sure that women are going to be part of the method. Someone discovered that people are more likely to buy something if there's a picture of a pretty girl on it, and then they started putting pictures of more than just pretty girls on everything. Now there's an implication of sex in most if not all ads concerning women. Stage performances by female artists have become about as softcore pornographic as HBO television AS A RULE. You can tell which female artists are actually talented, because people rave about how great they are DESPITE their being 'unconventionally attractive'. The fact that people give a crap about how the musicians look at all tell you how deep this sickness runs in the people today.
So, society set a precedent. Great. Why is this a problem? Because people are impressionable. We took the example they set to heart and made it a part of us. Children of my generation were raised to understand that girls were supposed to be pretty and that guys had no greater goal in life than to date a pretty girl. Now, I was always a small, loud kid, and for most of my school career, I was younger than everyone in my grade by 12-18 months. As such, I missed out on a lot of that up and coming female attention in middle and high school, and I never learned how to play the 'boys chase girls' game. Girls went from being my friends in elementary school to being my friends in high school, and nothing really changed in between. I guess that's probably what set me up to be as much of an outlier as I feel I must be in all this.
Now, the problem here isn't that society raised boys to be a bunch of idiots who spend their time chasing girls and nothing else. Boys have always chased girls. The problem is that boys in our society have been raised to think that girls exist to be caught and won, like a prize. And that's all that they're here for. We were taught that if you chase a girl, eventually you will win her and she'll kiss you. The problem is that boys were taught this stuff, and parents didn't tell them otherwise. They let the boys of our generation be raised by movies and television that planted these lessons in their heads so deeply that men in our country today feel disenfranchised by the female gender as a whole when a girl won't date them. So disenfranchised in fact, that one man made a video about how he was going to punish women for not wanting to be with him, posted it on the internet, and then went on to murder six women and wound 13 others.
Part two of the problem isn't that the Win-yourself-a-woman mindset that we were all taught poisoned us forever. It's that absolutely no one in any of the insane number of rape, abuse, sexual harassment, and murder cases involving men assaulting women saw anything wrong with what they did. It's that the men got away with that mindset for so long that they finally started acting on it. It's that the general public tries to defend these men by demonizing the women they victimized. It's that so many women have grown up thinking that an object to be won is all they are, and so they end up in prostitution or abusive relationships because they believe they're truly happy there. It's that every single day, men walk around in this world, looking at women, unconsciously rating them on a ten point scale, seeing nothing but a potential girlfriend or sexual conquest. More than that even, it's that none of these men think there is anything wrong with those thoughts. They probably know it deep down, but they justify it because everyone acts that way. Everyone has those thoughts. It's not wrong. Those women are sexualizing themselves. It's only right of me to take advantage of that. Right?
The third part of the problem is that no one wants to stand up and change things. Everyone tries to cover over all these rape and abuse cases. Everyone wants to pretend that everything is okay, and that these are just isolated incidents. That's what infuriates me about Not All Men. That hashtag is being posted by men who are trying to proclaim innocence in all this. They're trying to disassociate from the problem by saying that they aren't causing it. They're trying to be neutral in a very major conflict that goes right down to the core morality of every man, woman, and child living in our country. And that disgusts me more than just about anything else.
This isn't something you get to cop out of. This isn't something you get to pretend isn't happening. Either you're intentionally fighting to stop men from sexualizing and objectifying women, to stop the media from being allowed to turn women into objects, to stop society from treating women as nothing more than a prize to be won, or you're letting it happen. If you don't spend every interaction with women throughout the day being intentionally kind and considerate for no reason other than that everyone deserves kindness, then you're allowing those women to have a shadow of a doubt in their minds that you might be a threat. The best way to make it known that you aren't a threat is to be so non-threatening that there's no way you could be mistaken for one.
Next on the list of things you can do to help is quit talking about the bloody friendzone. That's the disgusting child of the women-are-to-be-won mindset that's causing this whole mess. If you like a girl as more than a friend, tell her. The second you realize it, you tell her. Let her know where you stand. Don't let her assume that you're just being a good friend. And by all that is holy, DO NOT BE NICE AS A MEANS TO AN END. Be nice because it's the right bloody thing to do. If she's not into you, don't recant all the nice things you've done for her like you were paying for the right to date her. I don't want to hear a bloody word about chivalry, because chivalry was founded by a bunch of self-important clowns who tramped around shouting about honor and glory and spent most of their time knee deep in horse crap and filth and literally stabbed people to death for a living. They were mercenaries who tried to pretend they were righteous and wonderful.
I'm done talking about women specifically now. The feminism thing is big right now, but it's not the only thing that society is struggling with. Religion is another part. Race is another part. Nationality is another part. The honest truth is that people have trouble with other people in general. Whether or not we're different.
We walk around every day of our lives, seeing hundreds of other people and looking right through them. We look them straight in the eye and all we see is an obstacle, or a means to an end, or an annoyance. We don't see another person who lives and breathes and feels and laughs and cries and hurts the way we do inside. We don't see someone with their own family and job and stresses and fears and concerns and dreams and goals and hope for more than what they have now. We see bodies, sure. We see potential girlfriends, or potential competition. We see things we hate and despise, things we covet. But we don't see the person behind all of that. The person that wakes up every single day and lives their life the best that they can in hope of being happy someday.
The real problem with our society, and with our world, is that we cannot physically consider all of the other people on our planet as people all of the time. We just can't do it. We can't care about every single person every single moment of every single day. We do turn others into objects in our minds. Every one of us does it, and some of us more than others. I'm especially guilty of that. In order to make this world a better place, we have to stop looking at others like objects. We have to start actively remembering that every single person we meet is just that. A person. A human being. They're just like us. They want love and acceptance and happiness. They want their parents and their siblings to be proud of them. They want to do something that fulfills them inside. They want to live a life that they can look back on someday and smile. They want a family and kids, or a good career, or just a really good friend.
We have to remember that they're people too, and that everything we do or say to them will leave an impression on them, no matter how small. We have to realize that one smile or one kind word can make a world of difference to them. We have to realize that all the things that we feel inside are mirrored in them, whether we agree with their lifestyle or not. Whether we like the same music or clothes or speak the same language. Whether they're as smart or as dumb as we are, whether they're ignorant of us or not. Whether they return our kindness and decency or not. We have to start giving everyone we meet the same common respect and decency, because it's what you do that defines who you are. I wish that every single time I did or said something to hurt or offend someone that the pain and hurt they felt was reflected back onto me. That I could feel the hurt I just caused them the same way that they feel it. I wish that everyone could feel that. Maybe then we'd start to realize just how much hurt we give out every single day of our lives. How much hurt we're pouring into this world. And then maybe, just maybe, we'd start to see each other as people.
American society is sitting at a tipping point right now, and the topic is human rights. The last blog post I made over a year ago was about this very subject, and things have gotten better since then, but they're still far from good. The big topic this year is women's rights, and my predominant focus is the "Yes All Women" thing that has been floating around. It's a hashtag topic that surrounds the idea that all women go through regularly terrifying and stressful experiences out of a taught and, in some cases, learned fear of men. I've been reading feminist articles and blog posts and posts from men defending themselves against Yes All Women with the "Not All Men" tag. This one claims innocence of part of men because not all of us are scumbags who want to rape you or sexually harass you or even intimidate you with our oppressive manliness.
I want to apologize now for not taking stuff like that seriously. I'm not insensitive. I've never been aware of the fact that maybe women don't want to talk to me because they're afraid of what I might do, because in all honesty I'm about as innocent as a seven year old boy when it comes to women. I've kissed all of two girls outside of a dating relationship in my life, and one of the two was someone I ended up dating seriously for two years. I don't think about how I might come across to women because I don't have a sexual intention in my interactions with them. I don't think about how they might perceive my actions or my presence because I have no ill will toward them and never have. It's never a thought that has ever passed through my mind. Because of that, I have fit into a category of men that has been part of the problem all along without realizing it.
We live in a society where women (and men, a parallel but not currently focal concern) are ruthlessly and intentionally sexualized for the point of marketing products. Whether they're selling perfume, soap, deodorant, music, sandwiches, clothes, jewelry, cars, tires, chairs, tables, carpets, etc, you can be pretty darn sure that women are going to be part of the method. Someone discovered that people are more likely to buy something if there's a picture of a pretty girl on it, and then they started putting pictures of more than just pretty girls on everything. Now there's an implication of sex in most if not all ads concerning women. Stage performances by female artists have become about as softcore pornographic as HBO television AS A RULE. You can tell which female artists are actually talented, because people rave about how great they are DESPITE their being 'unconventionally attractive'. The fact that people give a crap about how the musicians look at all tell you how deep this sickness runs in the people today.
So, society set a precedent. Great. Why is this a problem? Because people are impressionable. We took the example they set to heart and made it a part of us. Children of my generation were raised to understand that girls were supposed to be pretty and that guys had no greater goal in life than to date a pretty girl. Now, I was always a small, loud kid, and for most of my school career, I was younger than everyone in my grade by 12-18 months. As such, I missed out on a lot of that up and coming female attention in middle and high school, and I never learned how to play the 'boys chase girls' game. Girls went from being my friends in elementary school to being my friends in high school, and nothing really changed in between. I guess that's probably what set me up to be as much of an outlier as I feel I must be in all this.
Now, the problem here isn't that society raised boys to be a bunch of idiots who spend their time chasing girls and nothing else. Boys have always chased girls. The problem is that boys in our society have been raised to think that girls exist to be caught and won, like a prize. And that's all that they're here for. We were taught that if you chase a girl, eventually you will win her and she'll kiss you. The problem is that boys were taught this stuff, and parents didn't tell them otherwise. They let the boys of our generation be raised by movies and television that planted these lessons in their heads so deeply that men in our country today feel disenfranchised by the female gender as a whole when a girl won't date them. So disenfranchised in fact, that one man made a video about how he was going to punish women for not wanting to be with him, posted it on the internet, and then went on to murder six women and wound 13 others.
Part two of the problem isn't that the Win-yourself-a-woman mindset that we were all taught poisoned us forever. It's that absolutely no one in any of the insane number of rape, abuse, sexual harassment, and murder cases involving men assaulting women saw anything wrong with what they did. It's that the men got away with that mindset for so long that they finally started acting on it. It's that the general public tries to defend these men by demonizing the women they victimized. It's that so many women have grown up thinking that an object to be won is all they are, and so they end up in prostitution or abusive relationships because they believe they're truly happy there. It's that every single day, men walk around in this world, looking at women, unconsciously rating them on a ten point scale, seeing nothing but a potential girlfriend or sexual conquest. More than that even, it's that none of these men think there is anything wrong with those thoughts. They probably know it deep down, but they justify it because everyone acts that way. Everyone has those thoughts. It's not wrong. Those women are sexualizing themselves. It's only right of me to take advantage of that. Right?
The third part of the problem is that no one wants to stand up and change things. Everyone tries to cover over all these rape and abuse cases. Everyone wants to pretend that everything is okay, and that these are just isolated incidents. That's what infuriates me about Not All Men. That hashtag is being posted by men who are trying to proclaim innocence in all this. They're trying to disassociate from the problem by saying that they aren't causing it. They're trying to be neutral in a very major conflict that goes right down to the core morality of every man, woman, and child living in our country. And that disgusts me more than just about anything else.
This isn't something you get to cop out of. This isn't something you get to pretend isn't happening. Either you're intentionally fighting to stop men from sexualizing and objectifying women, to stop the media from being allowed to turn women into objects, to stop society from treating women as nothing more than a prize to be won, or you're letting it happen. If you don't spend every interaction with women throughout the day being intentionally kind and considerate for no reason other than that everyone deserves kindness, then you're allowing those women to have a shadow of a doubt in their minds that you might be a threat. The best way to make it known that you aren't a threat is to be so non-threatening that there's no way you could be mistaken for one.
Next on the list of things you can do to help is quit talking about the bloody friendzone. That's the disgusting child of the women-are-to-be-won mindset that's causing this whole mess. If you like a girl as more than a friend, tell her. The second you realize it, you tell her. Let her know where you stand. Don't let her assume that you're just being a good friend. And by all that is holy, DO NOT BE NICE AS A MEANS TO AN END. Be nice because it's the right bloody thing to do. If she's not into you, don't recant all the nice things you've done for her like you were paying for the right to date her. I don't want to hear a bloody word about chivalry, because chivalry was founded by a bunch of self-important clowns who tramped around shouting about honor and glory and spent most of their time knee deep in horse crap and filth and literally stabbed people to death for a living. They were mercenaries who tried to pretend they were righteous and wonderful.
I'm done talking about women specifically now. The feminism thing is big right now, but it's not the only thing that society is struggling with. Religion is another part. Race is another part. Nationality is another part. The honest truth is that people have trouble with other people in general. Whether or not we're different.
We walk around every day of our lives, seeing hundreds of other people and looking right through them. We look them straight in the eye and all we see is an obstacle, or a means to an end, or an annoyance. We don't see another person who lives and breathes and feels and laughs and cries and hurts the way we do inside. We don't see someone with their own family and job and stresses and fears and concerns and dreams and goals and hope for more than what they have now. We see bodies, sure. We see potential girlfriends, or potential competition. We see things we hate and despise, things we covet. But we don't see the person behind all of that. The person that wakes up every single day and lives their life the best that they can in hope of being happy someday.
The real problem with our society, and with our world, is that we cannot physically consider all of the other people on our planet as people all of the time. We just can't do it. We can't care about every single person every single moment of every single day. We do turn others into objects in our minds. Every one of us does it, and some of us more than others. I'm especially guilty of that. In order to make this world a better place, we have to stop looking at others like objects. We have to start actively remembering that every single person we meet is just that. A person. A human being. They're just like us. They want love and acceptance and happiness. They want their parents and their siblings to be proud of them. They want to do something that fulfills them inside. They want to live a life that they can look back on someday and smile. They want a family and kids, or a good career, or just a really good friend.
We have to remember that they're people too, and that everything we do or say to them will leave an impression on them, no matter how small. We have to realize that one smile or one kind word can make a world of difference to them. We have to realize that all the things that we feel inside are mirrored in them, whether we agree with their lifestyle or not. Whether we like the same music or clothes or speak the same language. Whether they're as smart or as dumb as we are, whether they're ignorant of us or not. Whether they return our kindness and decency or not. We have to start giving everyone we meet the same common respect and decency, because it's what you do that defines who you are. I wish that every single time I did or said something to hurt or offend someone that the pain and hurt they felt was reflected back onto me. That I could feel the hurt I just caused them the same way that they feel it. I wish that everyone could feel that. Maybe then we'd start to realize just how much hurt we give out every single day of our lives. How much hurt we're pouring into this world. And then maybe, just maybe, we'd start to see each other as people.
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